


atonement, redemption, second chances

by megabees



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, CR EP 122 SPOILERS AHEAD, F/F, Panic Attacks, like major spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-13 23:27:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28911591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/megabees/pseuds/megabees
Summary: after the harrowing events of episode 122, yasha breaks down
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha
Comments: 2
Kudos: 86





	atonement, redemption, second chances

It’s hard to have your mind taken from you. To be swept up in something that you have no control over. 

Yasha knows that. She knows that her time with Obann was not her fault, she knows that it was not within her control. Mind control, cults, they never are. Yet still. 

When Yasha wakes up, slumped over against the door, and she sees the red eyes coming from Caleb and Beau, her ears begin ringing, sound escaping them outside the sound of her own heartbeat. Her hands start to shake as her heart pounds harder than it ever has before, even while raging, and her breath begins to escape her as she begins to recall a memory. 

_A campfire. A hand stroking her face, purple with a red eye tattoo illuminated on it, as her breath labors following a dream._

__

__

__

“Love, you’ve gotta calm yourself. Nothing is worth getting that worked up over.” 

__

__

Yasha remembers a time, long before the Nein, when it was she and Molly and the circus, traveling and carefree and young. Oh Kord above, they were so young. Alike in joy, and ignoring your past, and not remembering your memories and worrying that perhaps you’ve done something unforgivable, and deciding to travel to bring joy to others. Plagued with amnesia, panic attacks and fear, but always having a companion to help. 

Gustav used to refer to them as a pair. 

“Molly and Yasha, go pass out these flyers.” “Yasha and Molly, go make sure all of the tents are secured, a storm is coming in.” “Molly and Yasha, please stop giggling so loudly in your tent, it’s late and we have a show in the morning.” 

Molly was her everything. Her sanity, her courage, her shoulder to cry on when thinking of her past. 

Taken from her too soon, just like Zuala. No longer himself, now an eldritch horror with the face of her best friend, but none of the kindness he had for anyone else. 

She never gave up hope that he was gone, even when traveling with Lucien, a man who she despises yet couldn’t bear to hurt. 

Perhaps that’s the reason they haven’t killed the others yet. Yasha’s caused so much harm to this group, how could she hurt someone else with the face of a friend? 

Maybe Yasha isn’t meant to find love. Maybe she’s not meant to find a family. Maybe she’s not allowed to have a second chance at either. Maybe she’s meant to be forever alone, atoning for a crime she thought she was forgiven for. 

Zuala, a first love and a wife. Molly, a soultwin and companion. Caleb, a fellow survivor and brother. Beau, a second chance, a new hope. 

What does it mean for Yasha to have all of those ripped away from her? The common thread is her, so she must be the problem. 

She should just run. She wants to run. She wants to scream and cry and run and god she still can’t breathe properly, locked into watching the eyes dance on Caleb and Beau’s skin, thinking about how she should’ve stopped them from reading that fucking book. 

Yasha slams her head back into the door, breaking her eye contact from the rest of the Nein, and sending a cold wave of pain through her skull, grounding her. 

She can’t run again. First, she wouldn’t survive. The snow or cold would kill her, and secondly, she promised Beau she would stay alive. She can’t waste this second chance. 

There still might be a way to fix this. They got back her mind, maybe she can still have Beau and Caleb. 

Lucien asked her what her goal was, calling her “angel blood” in a way that made her skin feel like it was too tight and like her rage was one moment from boiling out. Hindsight provides clarity, however, and now she knows. 

Redemption. Saving her second chances at love and a family. Filling the hole left in her heart. Protecting those she loves. That’s her new goal. 

Yasha makes eye contact with Beau from across the room, and they both nod slightly before she crosses to go theorize with the group. Finally, she can breathe.


End file.
